


When The Stars Go Out.

by Pai61 (orphan_account)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: I cried writing this, Imma leave this vague but this is super sad and don't read this because TRIGGER WARNINGS, M/M, Murder, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, THERE IS A LOT OF SUICIDE, This is not Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21772219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pai61
Summary: BAsICalLy Baz goes too far, Simon goes off, and no one is happy in the end. Please. Again. Don't read if you don't want to read suicide. No spoilers. Freeform. Not canon. During Carry On.
Kudos: 18





	When The Stars Go Out.

**Baz**

I think this is maybe the 18th day since the sun went down for the last time. The world is casted in shadow, and I stumble and trip in the darkness for the bottle. I have the vodka by my thigh and I'm laying on this filthy couch littered with empty glass. I don't give a fuck. Even with my enhanced eye sight I can't see a thing. I dig clumsily into my pocket and my fingers struggle against the tight pull of my jeans. I finally grasp the corner of the photo.

The paper is soft, worn from touch. One side is rough and haggard because I tore it in half. I can picture the photo in my mind. I don't even have to look at it. It's Snow. He's smiling like imminent death isn't on his mind. He's smiling like the world is golden. And maybe, for him, it is. Maybe the sun is out. Maybe he has everything he wants.

I don't. I lost everything.

I burned the other half of that paper.

I didn't need a reminder that someone else had what I never could. 

It's too late.

I pushed him too far. 

"Stop it, Baz!" He screamed at me. The noise ripped through his throat like a shriek. It didn't sound like him. Where was that beautiful boy hiding. He had clutched at his hair. His sword wasn't even his hands. Why was I still fighting?

"Go fuck yourself, Snow! No wonder you're parents left you abandoned! No wonder magick doesn't like you! No wonder everything around you burns!" I cackled at him. Inside my heart squeezed. What was I doing? The forest was dark around us. I had lured him out there, just like fifth year with that Chimera.

Fuck him. He deserved this for every sword in my heart as I look at him, and those golden curls. For those blue eyes that haunted my dreams. For the freckles and moles that covered him face, like someone had carelessly let ink drip onto canvas.

He deserved it for every second I spent hating myself for the pain I felt because he wasn't mine. 

Because he'd never be mine.

Whatever. The only one who was going to get hurt now is me.

I hoped he'd end me.

I hoped that before I took my final breath I could kiss him. I could have one last thing.

Because when it came to Simon I wanted it all.

I said something else.

Something stupid. Something I didn't mean.

And Simon let it all go.

And the sun went down for the last time.

Simon let the fire rip through him like he couldn't take it. The flames tore through his body. He was a bursting star. I saw the constellations around him. I felt his power. He was so beautiful. He looked so perfect, suspended in the air. Arms stretched out, mouth open. One leg slightly bent. His eyes faced the sky that had gone dark in contrast to his light.

The stars were everywhere. They are burned into my memory. His tears even defied gravity. They lifted off his eyelashes and joined the stars in his light. A total silence had filled the air. Everything was sucked out and replaced with him.

And then as soon as he surrounded me, he was taken away.

And I lost him.

It didn't even touch me.

The flames engulfed me, the heat was unbearable, but I didn't burn.

Bastard couldn't even finish me.

I ran over to him, I remember. I had clutched his cold body to mine.

I had screamed, howled. No one came. No one could save him. I had let my fangs drop. I almost let them touch his skin but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to him. I knew I couldn't do it. So I just shook and screamed. I kept my eyes shut as I held his body to mine. How long had I dreamed of touching him. Holding him to me?

So long. 

But never like this.

I wouldn't open my eyes. I remember. Father and Fiona hid me away when they found us. They called it an accident.

As if it could ever be classified as an accident. 

I know what I did.

I killed him.

They locked me away. They took the knives. They gagged my mouth so I wouldn't use my own fangs to tear my wrists open.

So I kept my eyes shut.

And I haven't opened them since. Why should I? A world without Simon is no world at all. 

Fiona left me in her apartment. I locked her out with magick.

I reach between the couch cushions and clumsily grasp the ivory of my wand. I pull it out and clench my fingers around it. 

I shake and tremble.

Might as fucking well.

" **Tyger, tyger** "


End file.
